I had had depression when I was younger, for a few months but I never imagined it would hit me again. After several years of trying for a baby and numerous IVF cycles, on our last attempt we got pregnant. I had a difficult pregnancy, terrible birth when I nearly died, I had this beautiful baby boy. At first I was too weak to breastfeed and I reluctantly gave him the bottle and I think that's when I started to fall apart. I was a bad mum because I couldn't breastfeed my baby. This is what I kept thinking over and over again. Also my little boy kept crying and crying and I kept telling everybody that there was something wrong with him but was told babies cry! I left the hospital only to be back in 2days later for a blood transfusion. I was exhausted. My husband helped for a while and when it was time for him to go back to work my Mum came to help. Then she was taken to hospital with a ruptured bowel. This is when I lost it completely I could not get out of bed couldn't "deal" with my son anymore. I wanted nothing to do with him. I ended up spending months in hospital in a special mother & baby unit and even my husband lived with us in hospital. With the help of staff & doctors there we worked out that my son had silent reflux and had terrible colics, not just wind but actual colics. My husband would spend hours walking around with him trying to calm him down. All this happened in 2007. We are now at the end of 2010 and it's been six months since I last saw my psychiatrist. It's taken a long time to get the right mix/dose of medication. Fortunately I have the support of my husband and my family I am doing well. About 18mths ago I started to bond with my son. I have learnt to accept that I cannot be a perfect mum. I have learnt to accept that I cannot control him or life. It's ok I just have to try my best and that sometimes, close enough is good enough.